you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
