Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
