she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
