Your face is a jimmy john
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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