I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
