i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
