I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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