I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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