I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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