It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
