Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
