i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
