Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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