I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
