my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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