I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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