There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
