I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
