I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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