and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
