twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
