i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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