the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
