if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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