hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
