It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
