You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
