Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
