Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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