she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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