so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
