I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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