Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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