i need an iv and a liver transplant
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
