You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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