if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
