my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
