the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Randomize
