I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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