Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
