oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
