I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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