Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Floor bacon is actually really good
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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