Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
