people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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