I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
