I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
