then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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