I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
