he told me I talked like a deaf person
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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