We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
