I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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